Showdown at the supermarket
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Ad: Excuse me, ma'am, but you are way over the limit of groceries for the express lane.
Petulant woman: I am not.
Ad: I count ... twenty-something items there. Maybe thirty.
Petulant woman: I'm in a big hurry.
Ad: We're all in a big hurry. You're supposed to reserve this lane for times when you just need to run in and run out and get a few items.
Petulant woman: You're a man. You wouldn't understand.
Ad: On the contrary. I'm a stat-at-home dad and trophy husband. I multi-task just like you to survive the day. I understand completely.
AND SHE IGNORES ME AND STAYS IN THE LANE!
So, I ask you, dear readers: How much is too much in the supermarket express lane? Should I be allowed to use the express lane if I have 11 items? 20? 16?
Imposter on Coconut Drive
Friday, February 5, 2010
So I leave town for three weeks, and this is what happens:
Yes, my best friends and neighbors -- we'll call them Betty and Barney because they're very private people -- were so accustomed to me living at their house during happy hour that they made a prop of me, complete with my requisite kerchief, t-shirt, boots and, of course, the Tervis tumbler containing a gin and tonic.
For the record, however, they did get something wrong: I DO wear underwear.
Secret #756TM3
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
I was a quasi gigolo for old ladies in Nebraska at one time.
EXPLANATION: I went to the University of Nebraska in Lincoln, where my Great Aunt Flo lived. Occasionally, she would invite me over for dinners with her "lady friends," as she called them. Incidentally, it was Aunt Flo who taught me how to use a corkscrew.
Well, I always had a blast with these ladies ... and they proceeded to ask me to be their escorts at black-tie functions. I really liked them, so I always said yes.
RETROACTIVE GUILT: Two of them would buy me gift certificates to Ben Simon's, my favorite men's clothing store. And I would accept the gifts. (Mom, did I ever tell you about this?)
I don't THINK this makes me a whore. I mean, I didn't do the nasty with them ... just drove them to and from the events and escorted them around their cocktail parties. It was a hoot.
Years later someone told me this: "They all thought you were gay. Gay guys do this sort of thing all the time."
Whatever.
Sad ending: My final act of senior-escorting was with Aunt Flo herself; I was a pall bearer at her funeral my junior year.
Cheers to Aunt Flo.
What I'm reading
Monday, February 1, 2010
Just finished a funny memoir by Jenny Gardiner titled, Winging It: A Memoir of Caring for a Vengeful Parrot Who's Determined to Kill Me. Very funny but also a parable in human tolerance and patience. I read an advance copy; the title publishes in March.
NEXT:
-An advance copy of Kristy Kiernan's newest offering, Between Friends, which hits bookstores in April. Though she's one of the funniest people I know, Kristy writes books that seriously explore family relationships better, in my opinion, than even Anita Shreeve can do. This girl is a rising star. Watch her.
My favorite magazines these days: The Week, The Economist, Entertainment Weekly. I've given up on The New Yorker: yaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwnnnnnnnnnnn
Website I enjoy: TheDailyBeast.com ... the brainchild of Tina Brown, former editor of Vanity Fair and, for awhile, The New Yorker.
Wi-Fi on the road
Saturday, January 30, 2010
I don't know if y'all know this, but McDonalds restaurants nationwide have started offering free Wi-Fi, and this makes traveling much easier. I have always used McDonalds for my bathroom breaks, peeing and dashing without buying any of their nasty food. But now it's a twofer: Bladder relief and facebook fix. You know how all McDonalds are designed in that L shape? You just enter in the side door and walk back to the bathrooms, then settle into a booth and log on, out of sight of the counter.
Problem: Some of the more savvy managers are starting to look out for cyber moochers like myself. I was at a McDonalds somewhere in north Texas, checking my email, when a manager looked behind the corner and saw me, sans food, typing away. I smiled sheepishly, nodded at him, closed my laptop, and walked up to the counter to order a Big Mac.
"We appreciate your business," he said to me. "Glad you like the new Wi-Fi."
Now, I'm wondering: Will the Wi-Fi reach the bathroom, where I can go undetected? Maybe I'll just facebook from the toilet.
Scary Moment in the Men's Room
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
This just happened in the Columbus airport: I was standing at the urinal, doing my business, when a man walked up to the urinal next to me and, as he unbuckled his pants, asked, "So, are you excited?"
I was just about to tell him "no" when I noticed he had a bluetooth headset on his opposite ear.
Crisis averted.
Dear Oklahoma City Public Works Director ...
Sunday, January 24, 2010
I recently spent three days in your city, and while I enjoyed the pigeon museum, the western-wear stores and the barbecue I was bothered by a multitude of things that need addressed:
1. Please fix your roads, and pass this message on to your counterpart at the state level. I have never driven on worse roads anywhere. I repeat: ANYWHERE. Dirt roads in Kansas provide a smoother ride than your freeways.
2. Include in your driver's manual something about MERGING. Never have I encountered so many people who choose to run you down rather than move over to an empty spot in the next lane.
3. Straighten those telephone poles. They give your city the appearance of having been through a bad fight at the bar.
4. A few sidewalks, perhaps? I was forced to jog in a circle in a Wal-mart parking lot, feeling very much like a greyhound or gerbil.
5. Perhaps some zoning laws? Electrical sub-station next to daycare next to Burger King next to apartment complex?
You can find more at my new website: ABetterOklahomaCity.com
With deepest regards and sincerity,
Mr. Fussy
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